….but a crucial one.
Confusing self worth with self confidence.
All too often these 2 terms are used to mean the same thing.
And that’s why…
Sometimes people believe it is a bad thing to develop self worth.
And it’s not!
But if you confuse the 2 concepts, it is easy to give people unrealistic self confidence.
Let me explain the difference….
Self worth is about who you are.
Self confidence is about what you do.
Let me just say that again…
Self worth is about WHO YOU ARE.
Self confidence is about WHAT YOU DO.
So praising your child (or colleague or friend) for who he or she is as a person is always good (providing your praise is authentic and you really mean it.)
“I really value your kindness.”
“I love your enthusiasm and energy”
“I feel really respected when with you. Thank you.”
These are all comments (or “strokes” as psychologists often call them”) about who the person is.
Feedback on what a person does is very different.
It CAN and SHOULD be a mixture of both the good and the areas to improve. It should be realistic.
And what’s more…
It’s actually harmful to praise people for what they have done if it’s not accurate and true.
Telling your child she did a wonderful job in her maths homework when actually she didn’t is misleading.
So parents who tell there children that everything they do is good, even when it isn’t, are giving those children unrealistic self confidence.
And what happens when that child goes out into the world of realistic feedback?
They get a shock!
Let’s take an example.
Your 17 year old is terrible at giving presentations.
But you tell him he is wonderful at them.
So he believes he is wonderful at presenting.
His first job interview comes along.
He has to present as part of the interview.
He fails the interview due to his awful presentation skills.
So he reacts.
Either by feeling deeply disappointed.
Or by rejecting the interviewer as misguided.
Either way it’s not good.
So it’s much better to give your 17 year old realistic feedback on what he does (his presentation) to help him improve.
And by the way…
You can still give him authentic feedback on who he is to realistically grow his self worth.
“Son, I think you would really benefit from organizing the slides in a more logical order. Also your voice pace when presenting is too slow, which may mean some of your audience lose interest.
What I loved is your passion for the topic – which is something I really admire in you. When you speak about something, it is authentic and heartfelt.”
Realistic feedback about what he does. (linked to self confidence)
Praise for general qualities he has as a person (self worth)
And what’s more…
The more you grow your self worth.
The more realistic and at ease you are with your abilities (what you do)
Think about it…
Often when people are over confidence or under confident it’s due to low self worth.
Over confident people are trying to convince you or themselves that they are actually ok. So they boast. They exaggerate. They over-estimate their abilities.
And under confident people often undervalue how good they are, stemming from underlying beliefs that they are not good enough as a person (low self worth).
I’m off to praise myself and others for who we are as people, and be realistic about our abilities to do things.
How about you?
To your happiness and fulfillment.
“Europe’s Leading Expert on Personal and Professional Growth”
Psychologist, Executive Coach, EI Practitioner, Award Winning Trainer, International Author, Psychodynamic Therapist, Hypnotherapist, Mindfulness Instructor, International Speaker, Creator of the LPS, Creator of the Accredited Masters in High Performance Leadership
"I have now watched all your new LPS-Teams programme videos and I find it extremely well produced and instructed. It is obvious that you have so...
“I met Steve first time in 2006 during my EMBA education where he was holding seminars about emotional intelligence. The topic and his way...
The highlight of 2013 for was of course Steve Neale’s Masters in High Performance Leadership which has already brought so many magic changes...
“Steve is charismatic trainer and speaker, a great leader who inspires others to follow him. As a trainer he creates an incredibly good and...
There are two periods in my life: before and after I‘ve met Steve Neale and attended his training. With Steve’s help I‘ve “met” the TRUE ...
First of all, Steve Neale to me is a wonderful person. He is a Master of his art and a top class professional that will help you if you are...
I have worked with Steve on numerous occasions now, and have also got to know him as a friend too. He is the most authentic and genuine per ...
I started my journey into emotional intelligence with Steve Neale two years ago and now I cannot imagine my life without it. Steve has made a...
“Steve is the best. I have never meet a teacher with such a drive and surplus. Steve teaches with his heart and that’s why he is so good at...
"I have worked with Steve on a number of occasions and have always found him to be truly inspirational. Steve delivers fascinating content...
Steve Neale is the most professional and effective expert in developing people I have ever met. His passion inspires others to follow the...
“If I would have an chance to give a gift to everyone in this world, it would be the journey I’ve had with Steve Neale and the Emotional...
“Steve is the most energetic and skilled trainer and coach I have ever met in my entire life; which is so far 50 years. He is...